Umm yah, I need to work on those tempting moments.
So, about a month ago I took this blog private and stopped sharing. I was scared someone I like read it, saw some of the things I said about him, and although it wasn’t oversharing, and wasn’t anything that he doesn’t already know, and although I never said/wrote/whatever his name, I just felt wrong/scared/nervous at the thought of him reading it.
I just don’t want to share it with him. Not now. Probably not ever. Even him seeing me say “wow I had a really great conversation with x. I miss him” is too much. I guess the thought of him knowing that I care enough to share even the smallest of tidbits isn’t cool.
I think it is some part of me just wanting to protect my heart, in that if he saw it, it might open me up for even more ___________.
I’m not even sure exactly what his role in my life is, but it seems apparent that whenever there is a ton of ambiguity, you tend to write/explore/think/obsess (?) about it more. No matter what IT is.
Perhaps it is because we all want the writing to be on the wall? Perhaps it is the chase? Perhaps it is just a small part of us that loves the uncertainty for the same reason that we hate it.
Ok, that was a ramble. It probably doesn’t even make sense. But the point is I’ve missed doing it, so I’m coming back.
At the end of the day, if you/me/we/us/people are uncomfortable with people reading or seeing something we put on the internet, we really have no business putting it there.